THIRTY-ONE THINGS NIGERIANS ARE GOOD AT (HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY)

Written by Abdulnasir Imam, with contributions from Hajara Isa, Tosun Otituju, Muniat Attunise and a list of commentators, I wish not to mention, because I need to shine!

The ideas was to come up with 52 things Nigerians were good at for our 52^nd independence anniversary, we got stuck at 31 because we hadn’t received this month’s budget and our editor Goodluck Jonathan (real name, no gimmick) wants to introduce next month’s own. Anyway enjoy our small progress:

1.MEDIOCRE ENTERTAINMENT

There’s no doubt the Nigerian entertainment industry has grown, but every worthy and critical success, there are a dozen more flash in the pans. Look no further than the music industry, for every D’banj, there are a hundred who copy and fail, at the very least have a hit that lasts three months and we never hear from them again. For every successful movie, there are 10 copycats to follow with the same storyline and probably the same actors typecast in the same role.

2. SPIRITUALITY

Nigerians are a very religious people, whether honestly or hypocritically. We take to calling God as serious business and sometimes we make it actual business. Sometimes we take God as one of the voters, so when there’s dispute over an election, we say, “That’s how God wanted it” and everybody shuts up.

3. SATIRE

Despite the fact that a majority of Nigerians don’t appreciate or at times understand satire, Nigeria has produced quite a number of satirist, especially in the literati. A fine example would be the Daily Times’ “How To” column by Elnathan John. From varying subjects as how to worship the Nigerian God to how to be a mechanic, John fills us with the reality of Nigeria through his cheeky humour.

4. SPORTS… NOT ALWAYS AND NOT LATELY

Gone are the glory days of U.S.A 94 and Atlanta 96 when we won the Olympic gold for football (we won our first two gold medals there, so much for 2012). Our most recent noteworthy achievement was getting D’Tigers (our basketball team) into their first Olympic ever and even though we crashed and burned, we still hail our players nonetheless.

5. NOLLYWOOD

Nobody makes a blockbuster quite like the Americans. Nobody makes a Bollywood movie quite like the Indians and in that same vein nobody makes a Nollywood movie quite like Nigerians (“The craziest magic in movies.” says Tosun Otituju). The sad part is the name Nollywood did not originate from Nigeria, as legend has it; it came from a Washington Post writer who coined the name after writing an article on the spread of African movies, specifically Nigerian movies in the United States among the Black community. I for one prefer to name it the Nigerian Movie Industry. Whatever the case, Nollywood has come to stay.

6. AFRO-BEAT

So Fela is no longer with us, but which nation do you know worships afro-beat music like us? Some of you may say that afro-beat died with Fela and that there are few afro-beat artists like Seun and Femi Kuti (heirs of the Fela kingdom), but I’d like to believe afro-beat has morphed into what we hear in the radio these days. Be it afro-pop or afro-hip-hop, the influence of afro-beat is never far away from our music… even the mediocre ones.

7. RHYTHM

Galala, saw, makossa, yahozee, ethegi, azonto. Nigerians know how to do all types of steps and if we’re not borrowing we’re inventing one every season. Oya dance for me baby, oh yeah!

8. ARTISTIC

Sure, we can be mediocre at times, but there’s no denying the amount of talent Nigeria has.

9. LITERATURE

Speaking of being artistic, there’s no doubt Nigeria has produced a great number of literature giants on the world with more being born everyday. Here’s a short, but portent list:

·        Chinua Achebe

·        Wole Soyinka

·        Cyprian Ekwensi

·        Chimamanda Adichie

·        Helon Habila

“The Nigerian people have taken to Literature, quite well. We are at period of literal renaissance and a new crop of young literal enthusiast is distinguishing themselves nationally and internationally.”- Hajara Isa

10. NON-NIGERIA AFRICA BASHING

We are very good at bashing any African country that is not Nigeria; just ask one of our particular West African neighbours. We love our neighbours generally and despite our house not being in order, the Nigerian is always superior. We are still in denial that another neighbour of ours will soon be supplying us what electricity. What are you saying? We are Nigerians, we’re better!

11.WE ARE LOUD

NIGERIANS ARE LOUD! IF YOU EVER SEE A GROUP OF BLACK PEOPLE AT THE AIRPORT SPEAKING ABOVE THE NORMAL DECIBEL, NA OUR PEOPLE! NA US THEY SEND BACK FROM SAUDI ARABIA*.

*That’s not why they really sent us back.

12. POLITICAL ACTIVISM

Nigerians are political animals by nature, whether fighting for a righteous cause or a sectional one. Nigerians get active with politics, which leads us to next contrary item on the list:

13. OFTEN TALK ABOUT PROTESTING, BUT NEVER PROTEST

Yes, Nigerians protest. As a matter of fact the last great almost-revolt was the #OccupyNigeria movement, which took place in January of this year and saw practically all walks of life flood the streets, except for those who could afford fuel. But generally Nigerians only talk more about protesting than actually doing it and when it’s done, it’s almost silly and uncovered by the media or portrayed as insignificant, except when we almost grounded the country to a halt. #Occupy

14. LIVE IN A FEDERAL COUNTRY, BUT AREN’T FEDERAL

Nigerians like to shout, “One Nigeria” whenever there is a rally, but the man from Kaduna who grew up in Cross Rivers can never run for governor without some harsh opposition about where he’s from. Ask the “settlers” in Jos, they’ll help sympathize with this dilemma.

15. TRIBAL WAR

There’s a great song by Nas and Damian Marley featuring K’Naan called, ‘Deadly Equation (Tribal War)’. K’Nann’s verse explains how tribal wars actually work. Basically at the end everybody gets wiped out until brothers are left and they kill each other. Fortunately for us, our population never goes down so we haven’t reached that stage.

16. “RELIGIOUS” WARRING

By now I think we’ve all realized that most crusades ignited by religion in Nigeria ultimately have very little to do with the religions involved and more to do with something else… idle hands.

17. POLITICAL AMNESIA

There’s an Islamic saying, “People get the leaders they deserve.” In our case, it may be because we suffer from political amnesia, we so easily forget the political mishaps of the past and vote the same people in or rather allow them to be counted on the ballot, thus political amnesia.

18. BRAIN DRAIN

Nigeria has without a doubt given away some of its best brains to foreign countries and as much as we hail them and claim them ours, we know the reality is they are no longer part of the Nigerian dream as we would like to think they are. Not many people come home after building a successful life abroad, unless they have to, in which case we claim they were not successful in the first place.

19. SELF DENIAL

Most recently, American hip-hop sensation Rick Ross shot a video for his Hold Me Back single in Nigeria. It was an alternative version to the one already being shown on various music stations. Like the one shot in his native U.S.A, the new video pretty much showed the gritty and grime life of the down-trodden and mostly poor. Trust our government to ban the video, it’s not like Rick Ross hired actors to portray poor Nigerians. Those WERE poor Nigerians that were already there. I guess the powers that be prefer champagne popping videos shot in South Africa because that really does portray the real Nigeria. Well let this be known that this list IS a real portrayal of Nigeria and these haters can’t hold me back, these haters can’t hold me back!

20. POPULATION

Technically, this isn’t something you can be said to be good at, but sometimes we have nothing to brag about so we mention that there are 160 MILLION of us. We’re the 7^th largest population in the world. Behind China, India, America, Indonesia, Brazil and Pakistan can talk to us, everybody in Africa keep quiet. If you have a problem with that, I have 159.999999999 million brothers and sisters to back me up! WHAT?! Say something! I dare you!

21. GOVERMENTAL SABOTAGE

We are not talking about coup-d’états here, we are talking about government deals especially with foreign companies. We’ve all heard the stories (Richard Branson had one lately), a company comes to Nigeria to invest and naturally they meet the government or rather someone who works for the government and are told they have to spare some cash first before business can be done! Before you know it business is either done after a lot of cash has been spared (and not the one for the business) or the company leaves and settles in Ghana.

22. DELEGATING

Nigerians are very good at delegating what they should be doing themselves. As Muniat Attunise puts it, “Nigerians are great at delegating the hard work for God while wanting to reap the rewards.”

23. SETTING UP COMMITTEES

This is self explanatory, Nigerians set up committees to review committees that were set up to review a committee that couldn’t handle an issue. I’m sure they’ll set up a committee to review who wrote this and another to decide what to do with it.

24. MURDERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Abi you no know? You would think that a nation colonized by the British would at least have a better grasp of the English language than most, but not necessarily. When the Colonials came, our chiefs were willing to sell their brethrens for mirrors, alcohol and gunpowder (that did not come with the gun), but there was no way in hell we were going to speak English just like that. We invented the remix, way before Puff Daddy or P. Diddy or whatever he’s remixed his name to now. It started with us turning the English language into Pidgin English to the point that when we do speak the Queen’s English, we still murder it. Are you hearing me, because I am hearing you?!

25. WE ARE WARM PEOPLE

Despite sometimes being a proud and at times arrogant people, Nigerians are generally warm people. We are perhaps more welcoming to visitors than we are to each other.

26. WE ARE TRENDY

“Nigerians are top buyers, we patronize the best of technology; phones, cars, the latest gadget or fad.”- Hajara Isa

27. NIGERIANS ARE WELL TRAVELLED

For those who can afford and even those who just make it to Cotonou and back, Nigerians do travel a lot.

28. NIGERIANS ARE ENTREPRENURIAL &RESOURCEFUL

Look around, everybody get e handwork o! Nigerians are quite resourceful with their time, even certain illegalities have been made into business ventures, you know now. Before I let you go, let me inform you that you can reach me at Chinedu & Sons, Wuse Market Shop 999 or you can contact us at 080555555555.

29. NIGERIANS ARE A HAPPY PEOPLE

As Fela said, “Suffering and smiling!”

30. NIGERIANS ARE MALLEABLE

I admit I had to check the dictionary for the meaning of this word. In essence Nigerians are adoptable people, which is true. Everywhere you go there’s a Nigerian… unless perhaps money can not be made there.

31. ENDURING SPIRIT

We saved the best for last. Perhaps the greatest Nigerian characteristic is our undying spirit. Nigerians have been through a lot; military regimes, planes falling on our houses, you name it we’ve seen it. The only exception is God has spared us from natural disasters, you see the man-made ones are enough for us. Through it all Nigerians have decided to keep hope. Here’s to hope we see another independence day. God bless you and God bless Nigeria!