SO… WHO’S DOING ANYTHING ABOUT POLICE COLLEGE?

Let me paint you a scenario and do feel free to raise your hands if you see where this is going. An incident happens, that's one, that causes outrage, that's two, the people complain all over the news, facebook, twitter, you name it, three, the government responds with a half-ass comment or maybe sets up a committee, if we’re lucky the president visits, four, a week or two, maybe a month, we forget, five! If you raised your hand before reaching five, you deserve your Nigerian passport. You’ve lived here long enough.

           

While the country went on its usual outcry of emotions over the state of the nation’s police college, not one public figure or the many millions on social media seemed to have offered a proper solution. We all mentioned how much money the ministry got, how the government has failed, the government in turn turned it into a show of eye service, the president showed up on his way to Togo or somewhere, a committee was set up and… well, that’s where the story ends apparently, for now. As of February 1^st as reported in The Vanguard, the inspector general of police Mohammed Abubakar has said renovation would begin once the funds come in… as of now, there’s no mention whether the funds have come in or not, not that I expect the Nigerian Police to shout it to the world if it indeed it has, but my point is it hasn’t been made clear what kind of renovations will take place. If I may, I would like to offer some suggestions.

          

For starters get better bunk beds, maybe ones made of good wood and not metal. Two, stop turning halls into bedrooms, this isn’t NYSC camp. I wonder why we have a mentality of trying to fit 150 people into one room, the fear of catching something from someone should be scary enough. Three of course is to get them a better dietary plan. One fish head for 50 people is pathetic in a country that can afford to dole out N5m to its conquering football players, but can’t feed the people they expect to protect them when next we decided to riot against the system (I’m just saying). Four, if feeding the police cadets is going to be a problem, increase their daily allowance from N150 to N1, 500. That would come to every cadet being given N45, 000 a month. That’s not much is it?!

           

Also the duration of training for the police cadets is 18 months; I quite like the Abu Dhabi model, where police cadets train for four years, before being full-time police officers. Why do I like this model? Because it makes more sense and can reduce unemployment. For starters the four years are divided thus: Year one is for theoretical work only, classroom stuff; the second year is the start of field work; years three and four are for psycho-analysis of criminals and criminal situations (we have plenty of those in Nigeria). Why do I think the four-year model can help reduce unemployment? Simple, if the cadets are given the option of leaving at any point of their four-year course, only the strong and well-intended will see it through, but those looking for some benefit from the government (the proposed N45, 000 a month) will join for about a year or two. Of course there has to be a limit to the number of applicants accepted. But this is Nigeria, I understand four years might seem absurd, so let’s make it two years from the present 18 months, because anyone can tell our officers are not well trained and seem to come out half-baked.

           
Well those are my suggestions to solving the police college dilemma and by extension police training. I don’t complain only, I offer solutions.

THE DEATH OF FREELANCE ADVERTISING IN NIGERIAN NEWSPAPERS?!

Have you opened a Nigerian newspaper recently? If you have, you will notice the two things most readers complain about aside from the numerous grammatical errors you’ll have fun picking out. The number one complaint is that all the stories from paper to paper tend to be the same with slight variations. The second complaint happens from occasion to occasion: the adverts. And not just any adverts, the cronies wishing their bosses happy birthday or congratulations on their son’s or daughter’s wedding and such and such.

My question concerns the second complaint, how many people really advertise in Nigerian newspapers today? If we break it down we have our government officials, we have our big companies (MTN, Chivita, Etisalat, Guinness and all your other big brand names) that can afford to splash a N100, 000 plus, over numerous papers and for numerous days I might add. Then last, but not least you have your “normal” people section. People who place wanted ads to change of name notifications. These people are the minority and probably don’t bring in a fraction of the money your government crony or telecom company will.

I bring this all up because any Nigerian newspaper worth its name in salt has an advert department. When people think of advertising, they might think of the TV show Mad Men and something along that line, where companies come and you help them advertise a product by coming up with a design and so on and so forth, those are ad agencies. Advert departments in newspaper companies are anything, but. The people who work in the advert departments should really be called marketers, because that’s what they really are. Their primary job isn’t to come up with ad ideas, but to look for people to come place ads in their respective papers going from business to business. This is where the problem is. In theory this sounds like a great idea, in practicality it is one of the worst. The newspaper isn’t dead yet, but sometimes it acts like it is.

Ten to fifteen years ago, sending a team of people around town knocking on business doors and trying to convince potential clients to advertise in their papers might’ve made a lot of business sense. Today, no employee wants to really do that, especially one who knows 10-15 years ago, advertising never heard of social media. Facebook, twitter and not to mention mobile phones including the status changing Blackberry have created newer avenues for upstart businesses to advertise. Why spend money advertising in paper, when you can send a broadcast message to your friends, start a fan page on facebook and bombard your friends with tweets on twitter about what your business is. If any newspaper is looking to cash in on the young upscale business upstarts, the newspaper isn’t the way to go about it.

So what about the older established companies, don’t they get in on social media and why do they keep advertising in papers? Well, the answer my friend is already in the question. Established companies can afford to advertise in papers and because their markets go beyond those who can afford smart phones or are connected to the internet, the newspaper remains relevant to them and more importantly no one needs to tell them to come and advertise in the papers, they know their way around, they’re established.

Unfortunately, the “old dogs” who run the advert departments or the newspaper companies themselves haven’t taken this into consideration. The freelance advert employees they sent around town 10-15 years ago didn’t have this much connectivity to deal with so it became apparent that the paper was a very top option in advertising. Also those employees established contacts with companies with which they still deal with directly. Today’s freelance advertisers are going to have it tough! There are practically no new “big” companies and when they are, like I said, they necessarily don’t need you to knock on their doors, they’ll find you!

The pressure is now on for today’s freelance advertisers to bring in customers or get the axe. Considering the difficulty they will face going door to door being told, “We have no advertising budget this year” or “We don’t advertise”, the axe seems more pleasurable. Not to mention some newspaper companies seem reluctant to advertise in order to get people to advertise with them. Maybe they know something we don’t know. I believe advertisers shouldn’t necessarily have to go out there, but instead make clients come to them. In other words, newspapers need to find a way to make advertising more lucrative and less stressful for all parties involved, because we all know, truthfully speaking we see the same adverts from the same people in our newspapers meaning they are hardly any new customers coming in.

WHY I DISLIKED ZERO DARK THIRTY MUCH!

I didn’t expect to watch Zero Dark Thirty anytime soon, it just so happened I got one of those “for your consideration” copies, so I decided to see what all this Oscar brouhaha was about. From the beginning it doesn’t take long for ZDT to enforce all the negative stereotypes of Americans you’ve ever known or heard of to come to mind. The imperialism, the arrogant behavior is all on display. Basically the behavior the world has been trying not to associate with America for the past ten years just comes back, flooding your senses (not good!).

The torture scenes are an intricate part of the movie, I understand that. I’m the guy who didn’t throw a tantrum over Tarantino’s Django Unchained, even going as far as defending it. However, the torture scenes in ZDT are prolonged as if to justify to the world America’s use of torture (remember water-boarding?). For the record it doesn’t work. The main character Maya (played by the wonderful Jessica Chastain) goes from a naïve do-we-have-to-do-that girl to an it’s-alright-we’re-defending-ourselves woman who survives a nearby explosion as well as an assassination attempt.

Basically, this is a one-sided story told from the CIA’s perspective (so you know they’re the good guys) and unfortunately (or fortunately) it’s not the two-dimensional Pakistani/Afghan/Muslim/Arabs that suffer from the one-sidedness of the story; it’s the Americans, for this movie re-enforces more than anything else the image that America’s foreign policy is a sham. People are going to complain less of the two-dimensional all-Arabs/Muslims-are villains portrayal than they are over how the Americans really are the present masters of propaganda. The “alright” Muslims are portrayed as night-club goers who will sell you any information for the right price as long as you don’t attack them as we see in one scene in Kuwait. The “good” Muslim in ZDT is an American official who works for the CIA (see?) who for some odd reason says his prayers in a Pakistani-like accent then switches to American when having a conversation. Never knew prayers had accents, especially Pakistani considering the prayers are usually said in Arabic (the conundrum).

Katheryn Bigelow’s last movie Hurt Locker, which I absolutely loved (and written by the same writer as for ZDT) was a success, because they couldn’t get U.S military support for it, hence it was free of mangling. ZDT had a clear CIA backing so unlike Hurt Locker, where the villain was (metaphorically) war itself as a drug, ZDT has an actual villain in the form of Osama Bin Laden, who’s practically a ghost in the entire movie till his death (oh wait, you didn’t know how the movie ended? Sorry!). Osama Bin Laden has been placed a degree below Hitler in the eyes of the world. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t get humanized as Hitler does when it comes to cinematic portrayal. In fact Maya spends the second act trying to prove his existence when she discovers his compound. Unfortunately for her this task proves difficult like trying to prove air to kids or God to an atheist (the first one is much easier).

Another thing I took issues with was how Pakistan is portrayed less as a country and more as a minefield where everyday is dangerous. I’m sure Pakistan has gone through some rough days since 9/11, but living in a country with its own “Islamist” sect, I can tell you it’s not the whole country that’s constantly on fire. No good side of Pakistan was really shown, except the hotel (which gets blown) and the American embassy. The Kuwait scene (American allies that they are) however got a skyscraper and beautiful lights adorning the skyline.

The third act of the movie is an almost all out continuous action scene, as if to justify the first two dramatic acts; it works. It doesn’t however answer the questions we asked two years ago: 1.) If Osama Bin Laden was caught, why wasn’t he brought in alive to be tried as is preached by the world’s “free” justice system? 2.) If he was killed for understandable reasons (resisting, firing back), why no pictures? And 3.) Why was he buried as a Viking and later claimed to be buried under Islamic rights? (His burial isn’t shown in the movie, perhaps for obvious reasons).

At the end of it all ZDT comes off as an entertaining piece of fiction based on facts(?), but if you’ve lived outside America (be you American or not), this movie will test your patience! It’s an unfair portrayal of the world at large.

          I will score it 4/5 for entertainment value though and for the fact that it actually got me to write this review. The accuracy (not so much the one-sidedness) of the story is its biggest minus.