According
to a report by Sahara Reporters, which has since been debunked by the Presidency, the Goodluck Jonathan administration had
offered a London P.R company $800m for crisis management, in other words try to
make them look good for re-election with the report claiming the deal was brokered by usual suspect, Petroleum Minister
Diezani Alison Madueke.
If the Federal Government wants to
seek counsel to improve its image IN Nigeria, it should look no further THAN
Nigeria.
Whatever the case may be, I am here to
tell the Federal Government to withdrew any money,
because I am willing to give my counsel for free here with 10 ideas to help the image of Mr. President and if they
do hire me we can talk about a fraction of that supposed $800m. I am saying this here
now, so that when they do hire me, you dear reader won’t say I sold out. You have been told!
If this was the beginning of the president’s regime, I would’ve asked him to introduce a 5 year plan. This will show that he has visions beyond a single term and if implemented might secure his re-election, but alas we are at the 11th hour, so that won’t work! So he must consider the following and quickly:-
1.Reduce
the price of fuel:
People
will see right through this, but it doesn’t matter. It is still a sign of
goodwill. We are not asking for a drastic drop in the price of fuel, Lord knows
the likes of Diezani may not allow it. A simple drop from N97 to N89 will do
the trick; an N8 difference. To make an elaborate show of it, the president
should announce that he has ordered the price drop to be official on the most
important date of our nation’s history, October 1st, a gift to his
nation to undo the New Year’s gift he gave us back in 2012 when he hiked up the
price.
2.Inaugurate
a Peace & Reconciliatory committee:
Our
girls may not be back, but it doesn’t mean we can not make plans for the
aftermath of the end of Boko Haram. It shows the president is optimistic and
not completely clueless. There is a whole region that will have to deal with
the aftermath of this war and someone has to apologize, which brings me to the
next P.R move:
3.Face
up to failure:
President
Goodluck Jonathan needs to address the failure of the army, the JTF and ultimately
that of his government. A personal admission of failure and guilt ON national
TV- we don’t want to hear it from Reuben Abati or Labaran Maku –will make the
president look good and not like that man who didn’t give a damn!
4.Seek
the help of the African Union:
Did
you see how Rwandan President Paul Kagame just shamed us in France?! A whole
Nigeria? AH! As thankful as we are for foreign help (read: Western imperialism
sometimes disguised as help), the fact that we keep running Westward is the
reason why we are still a small country. The fact that we jump our neighbours
to go oversee in solving internal conflicts says a lot about our mentality. As
a matter of fact, it is acts like this, dare I say that help fuel the
ideologies of Boko Haram, this West-Is-Right mentality. It is a sad inferiority
complex that we have lived with for years. We are not rejecting their help, but
homegrown solutions can be less embarrassing. So President Jonathan will call
on the African Union to help #BringBackOurGirls or at least bring back some
African dignity. That’s a P.R coup right there!
5.His
Niger-Delta support force:
Quite
a number of prominent Niger Deltans have made it clear that there will be war
if their brethren, President Jonathan is not allowed to contest or even worse,
if he is not re-elected. He now needs these people to show the rest of the
nation why! They can not say it’s because of the money the Federal Government
has been giving them under the amnesty deal, because let’s face it that will
have to credit the Yar’adua regime and not their cousin-brother (what is a
cousin-brother anyway?) and at the same time that will discredit the grand
conspiracy that Boko Haram is a Northern creation to remove brother Jonah from
power. NO! Instead, they should show the country and the world the clean up of
the oil spills, that the Jonathan administration has pledged to carry out… oh
wait, what’s that?! We’re not sure even if that has happened yet? There are no
pictures? Are you serious?! Okay, well then I guess those from the region
clamoring for his re-election and threatening hell or high water should not
spoil our P.R campaign! Shush children!
6.Inaugurate
New Oil Board:
Still
on oil issues, we know foreign companies have always had a big stake in
Nigeria’s oil even going far as dictating how we operate. Well, now the
President can make them happy by giving them an official seat at the table
rather than all the strings-pulling that they do behind the scene taking the
Nigerian populace for fools just because they have our leaders in the palms of
their hands. This board, let’s call it, The Nigerian Foreign Domestic Oil Board
will consist of all foreign oil companies as well as major ones in Nigeria,
each to be represented by their heads. This means our Nigerian counterparts
will sit at the same table as those who just come and leave with our money… and
oil. Also on the board will be Mr. President himself and his Vice. One person
who will NOT be at that table is Diezani Alison Madueke. Technically, she
should be, but the president can not be seen as carrying her around like a
personal handbag. So he will issue a statement saying the Petroleum Minister
while not a member of the board… at the moment, will report to it and the vice
versa. It will show the president can make oil decisions without her… till when
three months later he puts her on the board without fail! We have to expect it.
Some things you can not do P.R for!
7.West
African/French Support:
If
the president wants the support of fellow West African countries and to
establish himself as a powerhouse in the region a la former president, Olusegun
Obasanjo, he should bring up the long proposed West African pipeline, which
supposedly is to run from Nigeria all the way to Ghana. Why is this of
importance? Well, I’m glad you asked. The pipeline is to run through Benin and
Togo, two former French colonies and we all know French interest in the region
is quite high (perhaps more than any former Colonial power). Plus President
Goodluck Jonathan and his new mistress President Hollande of France were
recently at their honeymoon the conference in Paris on tackling
insurgency in the African region (or how next to carve Africa)! This
will help further cement their relationship, because we can not pretend that solving
an African problem really needed African leaders to be flown out the continent
without some economic deal being discussed! Viva La Republic.
8.Probe
the NNPC:
Yes
o! Mr. President needs to clean up house… or at least pretend to. If he is not
willing to sacrifice Diezani Alison Madueku, well then whoever was in charge of
making sure $20bn was never accused of been taken, should go! It is sad and
evil to fire innocent people, but hey this man needs to look good. Chaos is a
ladder and someone has to fall.
9.Honour
Ahmad Salkida:
If
you haven’t heard of Ahmad Salkida, well then sit down children, open your ears
and shine your eyes. Salkida just might be one of a handful of people truly
responsible in helping bring back our girls. The fact that the president had to
request for him all the way from Dubai where the man lives in self-exile,
should tell you of his importance. Salkida is the only man who has been a reliable
go-between the Federal Government and Boko Haram in the past five years, having
grown up in the region. In the past he was even suspected of being a member and
seeing as how our government didn’t value his importance and noticeably his
protection then, the man went on exile. He momentarily might be the most
important piece of this puzzle. Rather than continue to let this man live in
self-exile where his efforts will be forgotten by our present history-less
generation and continue the stereotype that all Northerners are Boko Haram, the
president should honour Salkida at the next National Honours among his usual
gang of cronies who shamelessly accept awards as if na only them waka come
Nigeria! Salkida is a true Nigerian hero. You don’t need P.R to tell you that! One man went where
the Nigerian army couldn’t enter! Give him an honour!
10.Introduce
the Board of Higher Education:
No
one likes ASUU, but they have become a necessary institution. Even worse, no
one likes being idle, for idle youth likely lead to non-idle Boko Haram
insurgents. So to avoid more tertiary shutdowns, President Goodluck Jonathan
announces he is inaugurating a board to deal with the nation’s higher
institutions. It may even wipe out ASUU, in which case ASUU will have to hire
me to keep them alive… which I won’t for all the years I had to stay home, but
I need a job after I’m done with the president, so I’ll keep my options opened.
So there you have it, my P.R plans for
President Goodluck Jonathan! Olivia Pope has nothing on me! I bet that supposed $800m
looks like a waste now!
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